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Hiiiiiii so I'm like back hahaha after one year of not touching this blog. Honestly, I thought I'd never come back to blogging. Since I have twitter now and all. But I guess blogging is still a better way of expressing my emotions. It's like talking to someone, but no one's reading it. Which is good. I prefer that. At least I know everything, and only I know it (:
So well, updates. Having hols now. Ending in about one week plus ): SADLY. omg I can't believe 5 weeks just passed like that. Barely did anything. Stupidly packed my hols full of events. #regret And the leftover? Mentoring camp for about a week ): and after that I guess is the remaining one week where I get to nua. HOPEFULLY. because many many people are trying to get me to go for various events. I don't really want to though. but yet at the same time I feel bad. but I think I'll just go with making myself happy and ignoring them. it's pretty tiring, to go out when you don't want to. Pretend you're happy when you're actually not. Try to enjoy yourself when you actually feel so lonely inside. Sigh. All that pain.
BUT, I shall not dwell on that now. Since I have been for like, forever.
Ahh, blogging's nice. Compared to twitter, so much more private. Well, twitter USED to be private, until a lot of people started following me. Then it got awkward. So I went and created another twitter account just to rant. But maybe I should come back to blogging. I can write so much more like this. And I can rant, one shot. Honestly, I thought my blog was abandoned a longer time ago. And, uhm, a lot of things have happened, since the last time I updated my blog. I THINK. I don't really remember what I did then.
Truth be told, I had pretty much a shock when I read all the blog posts. I couldn't even remember typing all that, feeling all that. I wonder how much I've changed. it's actually quite scary. Since it has only been one year. I don't remember having this much of a shock in the past when I looked through my old things. POLY, I HATE YOU. VERY MUCH. this is what you have done to me. LOOK AT THIS MESS OF A PERSON.
I hate myself.
At least the current me.
I feel like shit.
I don't feel human.
All these negative emotions.
I don't think I've actually felt happy in a long time. Like honestly happy, to be with my friends and all. It's so sad.
A while ago, I went out with my jc friends. I was truly happy then. And, it was such a shock. It felt like I haven't had that emotion, in like, forever. It felt like something new, a stranger. I don't know why, but I think, I haven't been able to be truly happy.
EVERYDAY, LITERALLY EVERYDAY, I JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR, TRYING NOT TO CRY. I'M SO TIRED. SO SO TIRED.
TIRED OF THIS LIFE.
TIRED OF TRYING TO BE SOMEONE I'M NOT.
TIRED OF TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE.
TIRED OF TRYING AGAIN AND AGAIN BUT FAILING IN THE END.
TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS LIFE IS FOR.
TIRED OF EVERYTHING.
I just want this to end. I want to end it.
But then again, I can't. All the consequences.
I wish I was stupid and foolish. Then maybe, I could end it. I wouldn't think of the consequences. I would be happy, maybe.
BUT NO, I HAD TO HAVE THIS LIFE. THIS LIFE OF A DOG.
I feel so useless, worthless. I know the world can continue even without my existence.
That's why I felt so pissed during math carnival. I wasn't actually pissed. I was just really really sad, deep down inside. It's like they didn't need me, they never needed me. No matter how many days I turned up, they never cared. I was never given a specific job. Like an extra. A back up plan. I felt so, so hurt. It felt so unfair. I did all that, and how was I treated? I WAS THE EXTRA, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO JOINED LATER, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST DO A LOUSY JOB, NO, IT WAS ME. FML.
Now I'm starting to doubt whether this blog post is supposed to make me feel better, or is it just making me feel more like shit. The shit that I am. Urgh.
I wish I could rewind time.