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Baa baa black sheep~ hi, I'm back again.
And I'm really sad. Hol is ending. I can't believe my 7 weeks passed like that. Seriously can't believe. I don't rmb doing anything productive at all.. ARGH.
And.. uhm, Idk why but lately I'm in this mood where I deny everything. Like, the existence of things such as love, hope, humanity is good.. idk. Can't explain. But yes, I'm in denial of all this now. I believe that love, is just a temporary infatuation, a spark at a certain moment, and then, everything fades away and disappears. Humanity.. I have no faith in it. After all that I've been through, nope, not much hope in it. I think most of the world is darker than it appears to be. There might be a bit of light here and there, but most of us are dark. In fact, I don't believe that there's a totally good person existing. With no feelings such as jealousy, anger etc. Everyone's dark. Just a matter of how dark.
Urgh, I hate the world. Y'know, I think life would have been better if I was born earlier. Where when if something broke, people would fix it, and not abandon it. And when people actually treasured their lives, they were glad to be alive and all. Not at this age, where you gotta plan everything, look for the meaning to be alive. It's painful. And I think as the years go by, the world just gets darker. How I wish I could die now, and be born again in a time when people are.. real. The current world, disgusts me.
I disgust myself too.
Desires. Have we all succumbed to them?
Whose fault is it? Whose?
I don't know.
I don't have any desire for anything, anymore.
Monday, October 8, 2012
So, hi again. Back from camp already :D YAY! *clap clap*
hmm, many things happened during these short 3 days, and I'm glad for it, I guess. But no matter what, I think the best camp, where I had the most fun, was green camp. Sorry mentoring :x
and well, I'm contemplating whether I should quit soon. since life should get much much busier this sem :x now that I have IS and dip plus and all to cope with. plus, this should be the harder sem D: I hope I can survive somehow. but I'm a little heck-care-ish right now about my gpa and all. since it's already quite screwed. but I think my cca points are getting there. I think I need about 5 more points to get silver. and I'm still waiting for my points to come in from math carnival and mentoring camp so it should be okay :D I'm still quite sian I didn't get anything for a number of things I did but oh wells.
so yeah. the last week of hols before I finally start school. 6 weeks have passed. and omg I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY PASSED SO FAST. I barely got to nua. what is this. and I didn't even go work and all. sigh. okay plans for next hol. NUA LIKE MAD, and maybe work a little. I've still got one hol before internship! :D and I hope that I might get 2 hol before internship. as long as intern doesn't cut into my hol, which I'll find out soon enough if it does, from the other sem peeps.
GAH. I DON'T WANT THIS HOL TO END D:
nvm, shall enjoy as much as I can for now. even though my maple account got hacked. SOME IDIOT STOLE MY EQUIP. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. KARMA WILL FOLLOW YOU.
and so, time for dinner! curry fish head here I come~
the meaning to everything. when will we know?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thanks blogger for trolling me. I was typing in the HTML all this time and not in the compose -.-
Sian, I feel like there's so much more I want to say, but I don't have the time to. Gotta go for amazing race tmr, for prep camp. Having a headache now too, due to lack of sleep for too many days ): Sigh, I think I'll go sleep soon.
When you look back at your life, how much worth is there?
Hiiiiiii so I'm like back hahaha after one year of not touching this blog. Honestly, I thought I'd never come back to blogging. Since I have twitter now and all. But I guess blogging is still a better way of expressing my emotions. It's like talking to someone, but no one's reading it. Which is good. I prefer that. At least I know everything, and only I know it (:
So well, updates. Having hols now. Ending in about one week plus ): SADLY. omg I can't believe 5 weeks just passed like that. Barely did anything. Stupidly packed my hols full of events. #regret And the leftover? Mentoring camp for about a week ): and after that I guess is the remaining one week where I get to nua. HOPEFULLY. because many many people are trying to get me to go for various events. I don't really want to though. but yet at the same time I feel bad. but I think I'll just go with making myself happy and ignoring them. it's pretty tiring, to go out when you don't want to. Pretend you're happy when you're actually not. Try to enjoy yourself when you actually feel so lonely inside. Sigh. All that pain.
BUT, I shall not dwell on that now. Since I have been for like, forever.
Ahh, blogging's nice. Compared to twitter, so much more private. Well, twitter USED to be private, until a lot of people started following me. Then it got awkward. So I went and created another twitter account just to rant. But maybe I should come back to blogging. I can write so much more like this. And I can rant, one shot. Honestly, I thought my blog was abandoned a longer time ago. And, uhm, a lot of things have happened, since the last time I updated my blog. I THINK. I don't really remember what I did then.
Truth be told, I had pretty much a shock when I read all the blog posts. I couldn't even remember typing all that, feeling all that. I wonder how much I've changed. it's actually quite scary. Since it has only been one year. I don't remember having this much of a shock in the past when I looked through my old things. POLY, I HATE YOU. VERY MUCH. this is what you have done to me. LOOK AT THIS MESS OF A PERSON.
I hate myself.
At least the current me.
I feel like shit.
I don't feel human.
All these negative emotions.
I don't think I've actually felt happy in a long time. Like honestly happy, to be with my friends and all. It's so sad.
A while ago, I went out with my jc friends. I was truly happy then. And, it was such a shock. It felt like I haven't had that emotion, in like, forever. It felt like something new, a stranger. I don't know why, but I think, I haven't been able to be truly happy.
EVERYDAY, LITERALLY EVERYDAY, I JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR, TRYING NOT TO CRY. I'M SO TIRED. SO SO TIRED.
TIRED OF THIS LIFE.
TIRED OF TRYING TO BE SOMEONE I'M NOT.
TIRED OF TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE.
TIRED OF TRYING AGAIN AND AGAIN BUT FAILING IN THE END.
TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS LIFE IS FOR.
TIRED OF EVERYTHING.
I just want this to end. I want to end it.
But then again, I can't. All the consequences.
I wish I was stupid and foolish. Then maybe, I could end it. I wouldn't think of the consequences. I would be happy, maybe.
BUT NO, I HAD TO HAVE THIS LIFE. THIS LIFE OF A DOG.
I feel so useless, worthless. I know the world can continue even without my existence.
That's why I felt so pissed during math carnival. I wasn't actually pissed. I was just really really sad, deep down inside. It's like they didn't need me, they never needed me. No matter how many days I turned up, they never cared. I was never given a specific job. Like an extra. A back up plan. I felt so, so hurt. It felt so unfair. I did all that, and how was I treated? I WAS THE EXTRA, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO JOINED LATER, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST DO A LOUSY JOB, NO, IT WAS ME. FML.
Now I'm starting to doubt whether this blog post is supposed to make me feel better, or is it just making me feel more like shit. The shit that I am. Urgh.
I wish I could rewind time.