Navigations are at the top.
bold italic underline link
Baa baa black sheep~ hi, I'm back again.
And I'm really sad. Hol is ending. I can't believe my 7 weeks passed like that. Seriously can't believe. I don't rmb doing anything productive at all.. ARGH.
And.. uhm, Idk why but lately I'm in this mood where I deny everything. Like, the existence of things such as love, hope, humanity is good.. idk. Can't explain. But yes, I'm in denial of all this now. I believe that love, is just a temporary infatuation, a spark at a certain moment, and then, everything fades away and disappears. Humanity.. I have no faith in it. After all that I've been through, nope, not much hope in it. I think most of the world is darker than it appears to be. There might be a bit of light here and there, but most of us are dark. In fact, I don't believe that there's a totally good person existing. With no feelings such as jealousy, anger etc. Everyone's dark. Just a matter of how dark.
Urgh, I hate the world. Y'know, I think life would have been better if I was born earlier. Where when if something broke, people would fix it, and not abandon it. And when people actually treasured their lives, they were glad to be alive and all. Not at this age, where you gotta plan everything, look for the meaning to be alive. It's painful. And I think as the years go by, the world just gets darker. How I wish I could die now, and be born again in a time when people are.. real. The current world, disgusts me.
I disgust myself too.
Desires. Have we all succumbed to them?
Whose fault is it? Whose?
I don't know.
I don't have any desire for anything, anymore.
Monday, October 8, 2012
So, hi again. Back from camp already :D YAY! *clap clap*
hmm, many things happened during these short 3 days, and I'm glad for it, I guess. But no matter what, I think the best camp, where I had the most fun, was green camp. Sorry mentoring :x
and well, I'm contemplating whether I should quit soon. since life should get much much busier this sem :x now that I have IS and dip plus and all to cope with. plus, this should be the harder sem D: I hope I can survive somehow. but I'm a little heck-care-ish right now about my gpa and all. since it's already quite screwed. but I think my cca points are getting there. I think I need about 5 more points to get silver. and I'm still waiting for my points to come in from math carnival and mentoring camp so it should be okay :D I'm still quite sian I didn't get anything for a number of things I did but oh wells.
so yeah. the last week of hols before I finally start school. 6 weeks have passed. and omg I HAVE NO IDEA HOW THEY PASSED SO FAST. I barely got to nua. what is this. and I didn't even go work and all. sigh. okay plans for next hol. NUA LIKE MAD, and maybe work a little. I've still got one hol before internship! :D and I hope that I might get 2 hol before internship. as long as intern doesn't cut into my hol, which I'll find out soon enough if it does, from the other sem peeps.
GAH. I DON'T WANT THIS HOL TO END D:
nvm, shall enjoy as much as I can for now. even though my maple account got hacked. SOME IDIOT STOLE MY EQUIP. YOU BETTER WATCH OUT. KARMA WILL FOLLOW YOU.
and so, time for dinner! curry fish head here I come~
the meaning to everything. when will we know?
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Thanks blogger for trolling me. I was typing in the HTML all this time and not in the compose -.-
Sian, I feel like there's so much more I want to say, but I don't have the time to. Gotta go for amazing race tmr, for prep camp. Having a headache now too, due to lack of sleep for too many days ): Sigh, I think I'll go sleep soon.
When you look back at your life, how much worth is there?
Hiiiiiii so I'm like back hahaha after one year of not touching this blog. Honestly, I thought I'd never come back to blogging. Since I have twitter now and all. But I guess blogging is still a better way of expressing my emotions. It's like talking to someone, but no one's reading it. Which is good. I prefer that. At least I know everything, and only I know it (:
So well, updates. Having hols now. Ending in about one week plus ): SADLY. omg I can't believe 5 weeks just passed like that. Barely did anything. Stupidly packed my hols full of events. #regret And the leftover? Mentoring camp for about a week ): and after that I guess is the remaining one week where I get to nua. HOPEFULLY. because many many people are trying to get me to go for various events. I don't really want to though. but yet at the same time I feel bad. but I think I'll just go with making myself happy and ignoring them. it's pretty tiring, to go out when you don't want to. Pretend you're happy when you're actually not. Try to enjoy yourself when you actually feel so lonely inside. Sigh. All that pain.
BUT, I shall not dwell on that now. Since I have been for like, forever.
Ahh, blogging's nice. Compared to twitter, so much more private. Well, twitter USED to be private, until a lot of people started following me. Then it got awkward. So I went and created another twitter account just to rant. But maybe I should come back to blogging. I can write so much more like this. And I can rant, one shot. Honestly, I thought my blog was abandoned a longer time ago. And, uhm, a lot of things have happened, since the last time I updated my blog. I THINK. I don't really remember what I did then.
Truth be told, I had pretty much a shock when I read all the blog posts. I couldn't even remember typing all that, feeling all that. I wonder how much I've changed. it's actually quite scary. Since it has only been one year. I don't remember having this much of a shock in the past when I looked through my old things. POLY, I HATE YOU. VERY MUCH. this is what you have done to me. LOOK AT THIS MESS OF A PERSON.
I hate myself.
At least the current me.
I feel like shit.
I don't feel human.
All these negative emotions.
I don't think I've actually felt happy in a long time. Like honestly happy, to be with my friends and all. It's so sad.
A while ago, I went out with my jc friends. I was truly happy then. And, it was such a shock. It felt like I haven't had that emotion, in like, forever. It felt like something new, a stranger. I don't know why, but I think, I haven't been able to be truly happy.
EVERYDAY, LITERALLY EVERYDAY, I JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR, TRYING NOT TO CRY. I'M SO TIRED. SO SO TIRED.
TIRED OF THIS LIFE.
TIRED OF TRYING TO BE SOMEONE I'M NOT.
TIRED OF TRYING TO PLEASE EVERYONE.
TIRED OF TRYING AGAIN AND AGAIN BUT FAILING IN THE END.
TIRED OF NOT KNOWING WHAT THIS LIFE IS FOR.
TIRED OF EVERYTHING.
I just want this to end. I want to end it.
But then again, I can't. All the consequences.
I wish I was stupid and foolish. Then maybe, I could end it. I wouldn't think of the consequences. I would be happy, maybe.
BUT NO, I HAD TO HAVE THIS LIFE. THIS LIFE OF A DOG.
I feel so useless, worthless. I know the world can continue even without my existence.
That's why I felt so pissed during math carnival. I wasn't actually pissed. I was just really really sad, deep down inside. It's like they didn't need me, they never needed me. No matter how many days I turned up, they never cared. I was never given a specific job. Like an extra. A back up plan. I felt so, so hurt. It felt so unfair. I did all that, and how was I treated? I WAS THE EXTRA, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO JOINED LATER, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO WOULD JUST DO A LOUSY JOB, NO, IT WAS ME. FML.
Now I'm starting to doubt whether this blog post is supposed to make me feel better, or is it just making me feel more like shit. The shit that I am. Urgh.
I wish I could rewind time.
Friday, July 29, 2011
sooo, I'm back for a random update.
HAHAHA. nah, I'm just procrastinating studying for infa.
life sucks ): okay not really, it's still okay since the projects are all coming to an end. and I actually have a 2 week study break before the exams :O didn't realise that heehee. so now I have more time to study. and I was panicking like mad too.
so I was studying infa. it's like from topic 1 all the way to 11. urgh so many things to cover! Idk how I'm gonna study for finals at the rate I'm going ): it seems like it's a much harder road than I thought. wonder if I can still make it into the singapore unis. if not, it's like the end of the road for me T.T unless I can go overseas. but Idk if that's possible too:/
SIGH. this makes me so bloody emo. I wanna buck up so bad but I just can't find the time to, or more like motivation. well, at least I've been doing all my tutorials:D this is a huge step from last year, if I do say so myself heh.
only at topic 7 of infa ): and there's like so many more topics to go + the behind topics are harder to grasp. AT LEAST THE TEST IS MCQ, OH THANK GOD FOR MCQ.
I want to snackkkk. so hungry right now. I wanna watch the nanny and slack and snack xD okay I'VE FOUND MY MOTIVATION. after I finish this topic I get to snack:D heehee.
Sunday, July 3, 2011
HI(: okay blogging randomly cause idk what else to do~
uhm, today's is zak's birthday!(: wished her like so many times HAHAHA. well, went out just now for dinner. (actually I didn't eat LOL) super fun day, as usual! omgosh, I always enjoy my times with them(: makes me miss them like mad when I'm in school and they're not around.
LOL, my mother popped out of nowhere and gave me a shock.
well anyway. school's fine. I'm just not enjoying it. I feel like quitting school so badly and returning to jc though. of a sudden my dream of getting into R&D is really tugging at me. and I want it so bad. but at the rate I'm going, it's like not possible ): sigh. I felt like crying when I realised that I crushed my own dream by going to poly instead.
and I realise I don't really have anyone to go to for a shoulder to cry on. I don't want my friends and my parents to stress out cause of me so I don't dare to go to them. these are the times when I wish I had an understanding bf or just a friend I could pour my whole heart out to and still be the same afterwards. it's so hard to find such a friend now.
and poly is so superficial. sigh.
kinda emo now:/ and listening to an emo song is not helping. it's just making my tears well up in my eyes sigh. and I was watching dou niu yao bu yao. I've seen bits and pieces of it last time but never actually watched the whole thing. the first episode was nicer than I expected it to be(: so that's a good start I guess. shall watch the whole show^^
anyway, transformers on mon! can't wait^^ everyone's been talking about it so I expect it to be a really awesome movie^^
and my ankle's twisted sighhhh. can't wait for it to get healed soon!
and I shall start getting in shape tmr(: I dunno where I got this sudden determination from HAHAHA. but since my ankle's in that state, shall start by doing conditioning only.
anyway, sigh, I'm feeling too emo-ish now so I'm gonna go emo in my room nowww.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
hello, haven't blogged in a long while. probably cause I've been using twitter to release my built-up stress. I think I should stop using twitter to do that though. since my friends follow me, it's not a good idea to let them know my other side.
so yes, I've decided to quit twitter. and to make sure I do, I'm sticking back to blogging. where no one knows who the heck I am and will probably, never will.
I think you can't even find my blog. hahaha.
listening to no air now. I really love this song omg. it just makes me feel really nice and tingly inside, all the time. I'll never get sick of this song(:
anyway, life isn't a bed of roses for me right now. and after days of getting pissed, crying, going nuts basically, I've finally come to peace with everything. I feel really relaxed now. like all of a sudden I don't feel anything anymore. no hatred, no resentment, no nothing. just peace^^
this is a nice feeling. I wanna hold it as long as I can.
and so, I'm not holding any grudge towards anyone or anything. I've decided to let things come as they come. I should stop getting worked up over matters. if they backstab me, they backstab me. nothing I can do about it. just to never trust them ever again. nothing really matters anymore.
I feel emotionless. but if this is better for myself psychologically, then good for me. I don't want to lose my sanity now.
I have a sudden urge to watch person trinity soul. so random. but I rmb the whole story, so that's not really a good idea. gosh, Idk what I feel like doing anymore.
oh wells. shall go to sleep now anyway. it's getting really late.
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
sigh, my patience has been wearing thin lately. snapped at my mum this afternoon ): I feel bad cause like it's not her fault. very annoyed at some of my group members sia seriously. then everything I dunno I very stress sia. which is why the moment someone offends me nowadays my face will turn totally black:/
I don't like how life is now ):
well at least I'm still managing unlike jc. where I was being pulled along the whole way.
I miss jc though. I miss the times when friends are really friends. I don't like how in poly everyone is so.. fake. and so much for believing I won't get backstabbed. seems like it only applies to engineering. why is business so competitive. to the point that people have to do this to each other.
singapore, what are you doing to the teenagers nowadays. what will our future turn out to be like? I don't want to be unable to trust people in the future ): that would be really sad.
anyway I'm like addicted to twitter now somehow. I use it like my sms like that hahaha. but I spam so much, I feel bad:/
facebook is like there for friends who are not close sia. and I want someone to talk to me, like initiate. I like to talk to him. at this rate I might actually change the person I like hahaha. I'm so fickle-minded.
at least that shows I'm really female.
sometimes I doubt my gender hahaha.
Monday, May 23, 2011
helloz! haven't had time to post:/
well, nothing much is up, just that I'm suddenly into kpop again. like I was bored, randomly went to update myself and got addicted once again xD
anywayz, class politics. don't like it, but there's nothing much I can do ):
and the reason I'm up so late is cause like it's e-learning week this week^^ so I get to wake up later:D technically I'm also depriving myself of sleep, but oh wells, who cares.
gotta wake up in like 4 and a half hours time ):
okayz, shall sleep after one more video:D
Friday, May 13, 2011
bloggggggg.
okay, it's been only like 3 or 4 weeks idk and so many things have happened. whyyyyy. it's good that some things happened but some should have never, sighhhhh.
and I feel like everything is my fault. no matter what.
so anyway, I'm quitting archery. hahaha it's not cause my attention span very short kkkk. it's just that I really cannot handle the commitment:/ and other random factors. I was really pondering about it for a VERY VERY long time. like almost everyday since like 2 weeks ago?
and hahaha I'm posting at this hour cause I accidentally fell asleep and woke up like an hour ago. did some of my work and ate. guess I'll go to sleep after this post.
and well, with my relationship problems. they just seem to keep piling uppppp, higher and higher, good job to everyone. everyone should deserve and osacar award for the way they are behaving now. and it's not like I can say this to their face, sian. and with someone, everything is just wrong man. Idk why this is happening to us, but it's just wrong. and the fact that we only do it when there's no one we know around, that's even more wrong. it feels like I have some super huge secret now. it's not like I can't tell ppl, it's the thing about ppl getting the wrong idea:/
poly life is so hectic. well at least it's fun and easier to pass through. please don't ever make me regret leaving jc for poly.
anyway, B1A4 has a cute guy with small eyes <3 hahaha I seem to really like small eyes. I love eye candies, they just make my day so awesome(: everytime I'm down I think of my eye candies. superficial much hahaha.
my crush has small eyes too(: he was an eye candy before I knew him:P
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
HIHIHIHIHIHI.
I realised I haven't blogged in a super long time. counting that I used to blog everyday.
well, atm I'm like super tired la. but I'm still trying to keep myself awake.
for what reason I'm doing this? there's no reason actually. it's just weird to go to bed so early:/
actually I should sleep soon la. I haven't had proper rest for more than one week. that's just.. wrong. and in less than 12hours time I have to be in school ):
hmm, basically my last week has been really hectic. one hell of a mess. I went to school and then when the weekends came I thought I could finally rest. but NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I had archery ): although it cut into my precious rest time, I don't regret going(: now I have a lot of awesome friends. that I don't get to see much cause like they are all at the engineering area ):
oh well. I look forward to fri(: I hope I'll get my rest this week. and archery officially starts on fri. oh dear, my scholarship interview is on fri too. and manfred's gig is on fri too. LOL. I have so many things to do on fri. pressure much.
and my life has basically been hectic cause like everyone has love problems lol. yet for some unknown reason, I seem to be the one getting all the confessions. and then when things get out of hand, all the blame is put on me. like wow thanks I feel so great la.
but actually that's solved already. not like I'm out of the picture. I'm still stuck in it, which I kinda hate but at the same time I want to be there too. sigh, I shouldn't be so contradictory.
the thing is, I don't mind helping ppl but wth I want to concentrate on my own one too can. while everyone else's is like going somewhere, I feel like mine is going nowhere and even more I feel like it's disappearing. sian diao. I'm annoyed but at the same time I don't give a heck.
well today I'm actually in a bad mood. cause I'm tired and somebody was blaming me for sth I didn't do. I swore for the first time in a long time, and I meant it.
I don't wanna think about it anymore la.
my head's killing me, I'm just gonna go sleep now.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
so I haven't blogged in awhile. like no time ah wth. now that school's pretty much going to start, I'm going to be very busy ):
well, some updates on my life..
I've decided to join archery. a very random decision, but I like it. it's not as difficult as I thought, so yeah(: it's a very fun sport even though it doesn't look that way. you just have to make it fun yourself.
and well, made a number of friends there. who are all my age! yes, I like ppl my age. talking to 93's are easier. Idk why, but it just seems like the case, heh.
I've met my class too, majority are like one year younger. but I'll try to get along with them nonetheless. and uh, I've forgotten most of their names already. I'm really bad with names man. and there's just too many to rmb. why does poly have so many ppl ): that gives me a headache with names.
my class is pretty nice. but I can say they're like A LOT, like HELL LOT, better than my orientation group. my group was just like dao all the way, yay. form our own cliques, yay. my class is like full of crazy and high ppl (Y) and the usual few emo ppl.
life's pretty nice atm, but I'm sure it'll turn into sth else soon. lessons are going to start ): I'm gonna start reading my notes soon, by today I gotta read them. to get a scholarship, I guess I have to change my lifestyle of being lazy. studying, here I come.
I hope BMGT and MAEC will be nice to me and allow me to understand them easily(:
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
orientation yesterday was lousier than I imagined it to be. I practically WTH-ed throughout it. basically it was a boring day, which got me really mad, cause it wasn't well organised and all. I think the jc system is still better. I'm starting to have my doubts about not retaining. sigh, did I make the wrong choice ):
anyway, tj ppl are a lot easier to talk to than np ppl. or maybe it's a jc poly thing. they have so much lingo that I never ever understand. don't really want to understand, so I gave up trying. jc ppl I miss you all.
my og is dead. seriously. and it's so freaking small, or tiny. 13 ppl sia wth. LAME SMALL. then the ppl all not high one, wtshit. other groups like million times more high. I'm deciding whether I should go to school damn high/crazy today, or I should give up entirely and be an attitude kid.
np's full of attitude kids, seriously. even the SCs sia wth. np's system so lousy sia how they choose one.
on a side note, I need to find another way to commute to school. 74's not going to make it. too crowded, so many ppl, can't even get on the bus ): WTH AHHHHHH!
I'm turning my sorrows into hatred, lmao.
one of my long nails broke today. I couldn't bear to throw it, but decided to throw it anyway ):
I wish someone would give me a crash course on how to talk to poly ppl. I going to cmi already. and everyone is seriously like from a neighbourhood school. I haven't talked to anyone who's around cedar standard omg. I'm going to die.
well anyway, I saw amirah today(: she's in archery. didn't see anyone else, but I think I saw 4N's monitor. I forgot what her name is LOL. and I saw samantha, my junior. then no more already, I think. wanted to see hanis and livia but I think like too many ppl already, chances of meeting so low lol.
I'm having trouble sleeping actually. I'm dreading tmr but also looking forward to it. like tmr is games! and I intend to exercise, seriously. but I scared my group all like heck care. like that would be like super boring:/
AND YESTERDAY I EXERCISED. in a sense. was like sprinting a number of times so that I could catch my bus. having to wait would be a pain so I just decided to run. and it's always fine running in shoes, no matter what shoes. as long as they're shoes. slippers fail, flats fail, scandals fail. I don't even need to mention heels.
well, this has been a long post. I hope today will be a better day.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
finished arad senki!(: omgosh, that was a nice watch! since I felt like I haven't watched a super nice action anime in a very long time~ but anyway episodes 19-26 were really satisfying!:D and as usual I got a nostalgic feeling when it ended. it's like I always want more~ it's ambiguous as to whether there will be a next season. but I think most likely won't have ):
addicted to one part of the first op. the chorus tune is so nice. I just like it and I don't even know why! but it just gives me such a nice feel:DD
anyway, I influenced my sister to watch dream high lmao. she's super addicted. I can tell since she's still awake at this hour for the sake of watching it. and I keep wanting to tell her spoilers, heh heh.
and I didn't go out yesterday -_- didn't buy the shirts, didn't go for supper. sigh, I'm feeling really anxious now since I didn't get the shirts. what am I gonna wear to school omg. and I feel bad, since I was the one who cancelled supper.
the fact that school starts tmr feels so.. unreal.
like I don't feel any anxiety and all. not nervous and all. until just. okay, I'm panicking at this moment. I can feel my heartbeat becoming really fast. and omg, I'm totally gonna have trouble sleeping the night before school starts. and I'm gonna end up going to school half asleep. like always.
I'm kinda scared now ):
but well anyway, I need to sleep soon. my body's clock is so not adjusted for school, sigh ):
Saturday, April 16, 2011
omgosh! totally hooked to arad senki now! the main storyline has finally kicked in!:D but so slow lol, it only kicked in in episode 19 onwards. and it only has 26 episodes -_-
it's starting to become quite good now:D which makes me can't stop watching. and all the random episodes from before, aren't totally random episodes. they were actually introducing ppl who are impt in the later episodes!:O and there was a little something in each episode that developed the story a little further(: not bad! that's a creative move.
OMG WTH I DON'T KNOW WHAT I PRESSED WHICH MADE IT DELETE A LOT OF STUFF I JUST TYPED. and I don't rmb what I deleted. lmao.
oh wells, shall type what I'm thinking of atm. I probably need to go out today. to buy the shirts. I hope I can finally buy them, if not it's gonna be a pain in the neck to go shopping again. and at night I'm having supper with a pig. hahaha, it's been long since I've met her(:
I feel like it's been long since I met a lot of ppl. nowadays I only still talk to a handful of ppl. that's quite sad. but it's hard to do anything about it since they're all busy and I don't want to disturb them. but oh wells, I probably won't be thinking about them as often anymore once school starts since all the distractions from there will be "entertaining" me.
lol, I hope school doesn't turn out like how I imagine it to be. I just want to peacefully finish it. don't want any drama and all.
I've had enough drama the past year. too much than anyone should have.
I just want to live in peace from now on~ no one disturbing me, no one making trouble, no one pulling me into stuff.
I want to finish arad senki but I guess I can't, since I need to sleep soon:/ well, at least that will be one thing to look forward to when I wake up later.
I'M SO LAZY. I DON'T WANNA GO SHOPPING ):
anyway, a lot of kpop groups have made their comeback lately. now I can stop obsessively listening to 0330. LOL.
big bang's stupid liar is so cute, the lyrics and all(: love song just makes my heart melt, kinda <3 especially GD's voice. I was like smiling while watching the live version. so retarded.
and I keep rewatching 4minute's heart to heart cause the mv is so funny! and the guy in the mv is from cnblue(: he gave me a shock cause he didn't style his hair so he totally looked like a girl in the beginning:O and I think heart to heart sounds nicer than mirror mirror. mirror mirror sounds a little weird:/ like when the chorus comes in.
oh, I like rainbow's to me also. it's super catchy! and I actually kinda like how the car turned out in the end. so cool sia, rainbow car. since the guy doesn't want it, I don't mind having it heh heh^^
sigh, it's sad that until now I still can't really get used to my laptop's keyboard ): maybe I need to cut my nails. shall cut once lessons start(: orientation's next week! for 4 days(: hope it'll be fun. and I realise even though I have a class timetable, I don't know my class o.o do I even have one? hmm...